| If we burn it down and it takes all night

[dont_feel_it]

There's no telling how long he sleeps. There's never enough sun to pierce the fog that swirls slow around the mansion, let alone the heavy curtains invisible hands draw each night. 

Somehow always without him knowing. Or noticing.

It makes for heavy sleep, in this heavy world, where nothing can touch him and the only thing that shakes him awake is his own restless mind.

Except this morning. 


Warmth seeping into his bones. The slow spread of a summer sun, the kind that rises determined, burns off the mist lingering on the water or in the trees. The kind that used to leave him pink and tender at the end of the day, wincing under the needlepoints of cool water in the shower. And when he blinks his eyes slowly open, he sees it. 

A haze of gold. Like blinking up at the sky through rippling water. Everything suffused with it in a cloud of light, until he blinks again and it resolves.

Into the slope of a bare shoulder. Her arm the gentle sweep of the shore. And tendrils of pale hair caught against the pillow. (Tangled with too-dark brown, that still edges wrong, even as he pushes the thought away.)

Skin sun-warm, peach-soft, as the tips of his fingers just brush over it. All comfortable curves and blunted edges in her sleep. Her features lighter than he's seen them in months.

(He hasn't seen her in months.)




He doesn't want to wake her. She needs to rest. 

But he can't help leaning into her warmth, the whisper of rustling cloth against bare skin, to brush the tip of his nose against the back of her shoulder, brush his lips across the same spot. Hand sliding to her waist, the rise of her hip beneath muddled sheets. Unable to do anything but breathe her in, reverent. 

Maybe the closest he's ever felt to a miracle. Of all the ones she's brought for everyone else, this is the first. For them. No matter what the Rev would have called him. Degenerate. Defective. Broken. All of God's orphans, adrift just like him.

But not in this moment. Not this morning. Not when they are a miracle just starting to finally unfold.

Not when Audrey is beginning to shift under his touch, and for a few early, sun-soaked moments, everything can just be.

Perfect.

Comments

[27yrsandwelldoitallagain]

It's soft pressure against her shoulder, then her arm, her side that pulls her. From the nest of a darkness and light and warmth, heavier than the heaviest bricks, thrown overboard. Shifting, moving, pulling her back, and back, until her mouth twitches and her eyelashes flicker as it continues. A ripple of warmth that consolidates into touch. A hand -- Nathan's hand, Nathan's fingers -- running down her skin, causing her to turn toward him.

Where he's already slightly pushed up, awake. Awake, and watching her with those eyes, all caught in the morning light through her window, and all she can think for a warm, fuzzy second is it wasn't a dream. The warm, and heavy, weight of that. The way she still has to lift her hand, to find some part of him. To know it more. This is real. And she can. Just touch him.

Without strings and barbs.

She can, finally.

Even if, from this angle, it's only the back of her knuckles finding his shoulder, and his neck, unable to look away from those eyes, his face, Nathan's handsome face, tucked down, so close he's all the air and light and shape of the waking world before her, Nathan, not able to look away from that, not even to help her own hand.

[dont_feel_it]

The morning light is still weak. Makes this feel even more dreamlike. Pale sheets. Pale skin. Every impossible thing suddenly here in his arms.

Except it isn't a dream, because he feels her, and nothing else. Isn't some memory of sensation his brain is tricking him into.

Just Audrey. Shifting to watch him. His whole body curved around her. Goosebumps following the lazy path the back of her knuckles take along his shoulder, his neck. Impossible not to be aware of her, skin to skin underneath the sheet. How he can feel the steady track of her heart, when he can't even feel his own.

Letting the hand he'd used to support his head slide away, and she's so close. Barely an inch. Close enough for their noses to brush if he leans a little closer, and he could. Can't even begin to comprehend how miraculous that is. That Audrey is this close, and he doesn't have to pull away.

Doesn't have to pretend he can't feel her touch. Doesn't have to try to be anything, anymore. He can just be Nathan, and he can just love her with his whole body and soul, and for the first time, there's nothing in their way.

Forehead almost nudging hers, and she's so beautiful. The most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Even with the heavy black eyeliner, and the light silver circle at her nose. Darker hair. Longer.

But Audrey. Here, with him. At last.

His voice barely works, trying to stay quiet, trying to keep this moment crystalline and untouched, unbreakable, but. He's light-headed, light-hearted. Light, for the first time in. He doesn't know. Barely knows which way is up, but there's this thing. A thought. An idea. A shared joke, that isn't really, at all.

Makes him start a smile that doesn't just hang around the corner of his mouth likes it's waiting to see if this is all a good idea.

"Can I make you some pancakes?"

[27yrsandwelldoitallagain]

If too much of whatever life she had was spent in learning the too many ways a heart could break, she hadn't thought to know this as one. This warmth that suffuse everything until it's not like it's just her heart, but every part of her very bones, that ache softly at Nathan's voice and the question he poses. Every door it dots on as it's whispered in this earliest of mornings.

The way it's a little broken, and lot a perfect, and it's so absolutely Nathan.

As he studies her face, and yet looks down to her shoulder more than once or twice while asking it.

When her wrist has to twist, so her fingers can find the side his face, and all she can think is there was never a way, never world, not in this life, or any one where she still was herself, where she wouldn't have loved him with all she had. All of whatever she was, while she was, could be. He was everything, and part of the everything else beyond it. Her fingers brushed up and down the side of his face as her smile slowly started itself. "I thought you'd never ask."

[dont_feel_it]

"Okay."

Except he doesn't move, just watches her from bare inches away, smiling. All that intent watchfulness, the laser focus that's been on her for so long, warmed now and deepening in eyes.

She's here. And he loves her. And he'll never stop loving her. Until the day he dies, or even after.

It's the only thing he needs to know, but it's not what he says, which is: "So you have eggs?"

Leaning down to steal a kiss, shifting against her, the hand at her hip slipping around her waist to encircle her again, so he can play the fool. Grinning into each kiss. Drowning in the sensation, the solidity of her. "Milk? And...flour?"

Tucking against her. He has every intention of getting up.

In a minute.

First, teasing against her mouth: "Maple syrup?"

[27yrsandwelldoitallagain]

Audrey doesn't stop him, doesn't, couldn't even begin to stop the rush of her heart, when he leans down to kiss her again before she can more than just starting to nod. Except he kisses her, and asks her another question, a third, only to kiss her again. Every kiss nearly making her laugh. But, only nearly, every breath that might have become one swallowed in the next second wave that causes her to melts into each small kiss, and she could.

She could drown in this. This sheer absolution of the impossible turned possible. Of Nathan's arm curling possessively around her middle, and Nathan continuing to ask questions she can't answer, kissing her breathless instead, and how did she never see that coming. This. Nathan Wuornos, something remarkably almost like playful. How does she never let it go.

When her fingertips slide over his ear and through his short brown hair lost against his lips, and pancakes could wait, too. Pancakes could happen in a few minutes, or a few hours, if they just never left the bed, never left the apartment, if they just never moved, and he never let go again. It's like breathing the sunlight, in the seconds she can open her eyes between kisses, to catch that catch me smile and the light in his eyes, brighter than anything outside.

A -- "Yes" -- squashed short between one kiss and another, with a laugh that escapes -- "but" -- as she leans more back into the pillow, eyes bright, even if she can't tell if she feels even more awake or even more like this a dream caught on sunbeams, in the haze right before true awareness and having to go back to the real world. "--not in my bed."

[dont_feel_it]

"That is a problem."

As if anything could be a problem with Audrey pressed into the pillows and laughing, breathless. From him. His kisses. Touch. Like his nerves aren't the only ones being born and dying on every brush of fingers or lips.

He's lost in it. Her. No could be's. No possibly. Gone. Set wholly adrift and he wouldn't have it any other way when he's pushing himself up to look at her. Hair wild everywhere. Skin glowing. Mouth laughing and perfect. Watching him with absolute trust, mixed with amusement, fondness. And.

She loves him, too.

It's as heady as anything he's ever drank, could ever imagine. Audrey Parker. Loving him back, with her hands on his skin and the taste of her kiss still on his lips.

Keeping his eyes on her, as he says: "So you need someone to look for them." Serious as a judge. "Sounds like you need a detective."

Pure idiocy. But he can't seem to stop, leaning down towards her again, nearly brushing her lips. "And I... need these."

Pushing back, all the way back from her, and brandishing the shorts he'd snuck from the floor by her bedside, where they lay in a pile with his jeans, his shirt, her clothes everywhere. An impatient mess telling another story, but that's not why he's grinning, as he's pushing himself to the side of the bed and slipping the shorts on. "Breakfast, Parker. Most important meal of the day."

[27yrsandwelldoitallagain]

Her mouth is a ruinous riot of nearly laughing again when he's hovering above her, with a mock severity that is terribly delightful. Audrey isn't sure she isn't dreaming, even when no dream could be this good. This surprising. This perfect. It's like those slivers of watching Nathan with a baby, or a dog, at those little league games, but looking nowhere except at her this time. Staring down at her like she's the only thing he can see.

That easily misread by the world stern distance, the one she reads so well now and can't tell why everyone who's known him so much longer than she can't see, all of that is gone. This disarming freeness of expression, of nearness, touch, that has her pressing her mouth and then shaking her head, with a grinning-wince, that becomes a small tossed out 'Really?' when he throws out the line about needing a detective.

Audrey can't help it. She can't. Her mouth is already turning to a smile when he leans back in.
Not leaving again, and her heart can't possibly actually take getting to have all of this. Nathan.

Who suddenly pulls back, brandishing shorts, stolen from the other side of her and the bed,
as she drops her mouth in surprise even as he's suddenly vacating the bed. "Terrible. That was terrible."

Then, and again. "You're terrible." Audrey shook her head and drew the sheets back closer, curling into her pillow, hardly able to truly press her smile into anything small enough to make her look doubtful or dismayed by every turn of these events, from last night to this morning, to five seconds ago, to this one. At all. "Those better be the best pancakes I've ever tasted now."

[dont_feel_it]

Her skepticism dents his mood not one iota, because she's laughing as much as she's rolling her eyes at him, and he feels free. No walls anywhere. Skin alive and welcoming. Living for her touch. Audrey smiling, eyes slipping to his mouth, ready for his kiss.

Leaving him laughing, shoulders shaking, as he gets up and tugs at the sheet she's pulling towards herself in an exaggerated sniff. He can't feel it, or the shorts, or the air in the apartment, but it doesn't matter. The memory of her fingers slipping along his back and into his hair, his legs tangled with hers is still clear enough he can almost feel it.

It's more than he has in. He doesn't know. Isn't sure where the thought even comes from.

Only manages to make himself head into the tiny kitchen -- her tiny kitchen -- because he knows she's only a few feet away. Is too giddy and buoyant, as he's dumping flour and salt and baking powder, sought out in her cupboards, into a bowl, to ever think this could be anything but real.

It's the most real he's felt in years. Maybe ever. "You really shouldn't insult the cook."

Cracking the fridge to find milk, and an egg to bet into it. Never feeling the smile that hasn't left his mouth. Only sure it isn't going anywhere for at least the rest of the day. "Bad strategy, Parker."

[27yrsandwelldoitallagain]

She shifts into the mattress, getting her shoulder comfortable, watching his back as he walked away. There's a surrealness to everything. There are no extra lights thrown on. He just starts moving around her kitchen and finding things, almost like he knows where they have to be, no matter the small search of one or two.

It does something new to her heart, again. Always, and still, and again. Watching him, though quiet slow blinks, as he moves around in her kitchen. In his shorts. All shadows and skin and that smile. Calling words over his shoulder that couldn't be called censure at all. Not after the words shouted last night only so few feet from where both of them are.

And suddenly they're here.

Across that divide that seemed greater than even the blind leap between the Oatley Tap Room and Haven.

Here, where she's still curled in bed, and Nathan is making her pancakes. His favorite food. His best suggestion of what to have. The date they never had, and never could find a way back to. How, even with that, there'd only been one or two times, in the earliest months that they'd ever even managed it, between cases and barely knowing each other. Back to the first day, one of their first conversations, and to their last. To play acting that Lexie found them disgusting. Hurl worthy.

Every shattered skipping stone to this morning, this moment, this.

Them doing all of this, finally.

Audrey rubbed her cheek against the pillow, unable not to smile, as she watched a small cloud of flour raise around him, thanking anyone listening that no matter how badly all of those had gone, they'd gotten one more clean chance to do it right this time.

[dont_feel_it]

It isn't a large kitchen, and she doesn't have a lot in it, but pancakes aren't hard, no matter what. Flour. Baking powder. A little sugar. There's no buttermilk, so he improvises with a tablespoon of lemon juice and some regular milk. Glances back over at her while he waits for it to sour, and he can't help it. The way it breaks across his face, like the dawn. Clear and constant.

How did they get here? How did they finally get here?

(How does he know it's finally?

But that's a thought he brushes aside, the way he brushes aside how well he knows this apartment.)

Only looking away to make a well in the dry ingredients and pour in the wet, before searching for a whisk to combine it with. There's an electric griddle under the counter, but he opts against it, finds a smaller frying pan to set on the stovetop instead, before picking up the bowl to whisk it all together.

Simple, but satisfying. And isn't that the way it should be?

[27yrsandwelldoitallagain]

Even though she closes her eyes once or twice, sleep isn't really more than a castabout question. A gentle sigh out of her nose, that can't help finishing with opening her eyes to see that he's still there. Making her heart skip too quickly for the fact she's doing nothing more than laying here, and he's doing nothing more than making pancakes in a kitchen, and still her heart feels like it just expands.

There've been too many times she had to close her eyes. The Barn was far too long.
The last week was too long. Every minute trying to push Nathan away was too long.

It was too long, too long, too long, and the space between even the bed and the kitchen is too long. Which puts her reaching for her tank and underwear. Pulling them on with a fast fluid ease, and sliding off the side of the bed Nathan had. Walking toward him on silent feet, and considering his back with a sudden mischevious necessity. It was impossible to resist. It was. That she could touch him. That he felt every single touch.

How was she supposed to do anything but relish it? How was she supposed to do anything but that?

She considered it for a second at most. Almost running a finger down his spine. Almost just leaning up to kiss the space between his shoulder blades. But Audrey waited until she was right behind him before sliding her fingers and then her hands across his sides and stomach, before joining them together around his waist before he could do anything to stop her.

[dont_feel_it]

It comes out of nowhere, making him grunt in surprise, muscle across his stomach contracting involuntarily, while behind him, Audrey giggles.

Laughing at him while he's putting the whisk and bowl down, turning in her arms, which are locked around his waist and setting fire to his skin. A smile pulling at him, at her triumphant delight, and it's so easy, isn't it. Like it was always supposed to be.

Is that right? But he can't focus on always or what it means, might mean, when Audrey is tugging herself against him, flushed with victory at his reaction. "I can't feel the bowl."

She kisses his shoulder, and he almost shivers, turning towards her, locked in by her arms. "I can't feel the whisk, but--"

Punctuating it by tugging at her hand until it lifts. "I can feel that."

Free now to turn towards her, slide his arms around herwaist because she's already leaning in towards him, stepping into him, and the pancakes can wait.

Everything can wait. Everything. Anything that isn't her.

[27yrsandwelldoitallagain]

It's perfect. Beyond, reframes, remakes what perfect is, can be. Should.

She can't help laughing as first he makes a noise while stiffening and then he starts to squirm within her arms, making everything inside her bubble up even faster. All delight, all success, and she can't stop herself now. She places a kiss against the top of his shoulder by his neck as he struggles, saying he can't feel the bowl, and again, at the far corner of his shoulder as he tried to turn, talking about the wisk while she tried to hold her hands tight, still giggling, and again, a third kiss, at the top of his arm before she had to let go.

Even as letting go meant nothing more than that she had all of him turned forward toward her, and she helped him shift one arm over her head, asking, with a challenging lack of unrepentance, "Can you feel that?"

Before she was doing the exact thing he'd done only minutes ago. Leaning up to catch his mouth, even as her balance was some dance she didn't care to even worry about between being on her toes, and the arm on his shoulder, and the hand on his neck, and the solid weight of his arms curling back tight around her. Where he should be, should have always been.

Unable to stop, not from kissing him, and not from laughing, when Nathan shakes his head.

The most blatant of lies, Audrey called a bluff on under with only kissing him more.

[dont_feel_it]

Can you feel that? she challenges, amused against his mouth, hand at the back of his neck, arms wreathing around his neck, as if he has ever, in his whole life, felt anything as clearly as this. As he's ever breathed before this deep inhale, when somehow that air never even seems to reach his lungs. Because he's kissing her back, arms winding around her waist, pressing himself close, pulling her in, and it all pauses for a long, impossible moment.

Audrey in his arms, fitting there like he was made to wrap around her. Up on her toes, while he's bending down to reach her. Audrey laughing when he shakes his head with a sly and anything but believable negation, already seeking the next kiss. "Mn-mm."

Blatant as her unrepentant laughter, while her hands travel across his skin like she owns it. Him.

Maybe she does.

Because he can't hold it for even a second more, paused a breath away from her lips, before he breaks, grins, stupid in the face of her touch and her kisses and her laughter and her. Audrey. This bubble he never wants to break out of.

Admits, "Okay, yeah," only so he can lean in again, only so he can taste her laugh while her arms lazily circle his neck and he leans back, tucking her skin to skin, so close he doesn't see how they could ever untangle again.

He never wants to. Not for anything.

[27yrsandwelldoitallagain]

Nathan's laughter is never as free as it suddenly is now.

It was always a delight to win a laugh from him, as though never prized from iron jaws, taken and given, both, with effort. Not never; but never like this. Pressed against her mouth. The way his entire face is lit up with it. His hands. His body. His mouth pressed against hers, just as fast and just as constant. There's no drink as staggering as all of this. Nathan happy. Nathan teasing her. Nathan laughing at, and with her, while kissing her.

This is the way it always should have been. Every missed moment. Every day held off.

Audrey didn't know she was even capable of feeling this alight.
Nothing in her whole life has ever felt this good.

It's hard to even pause to say words, when it would be so easy, breathlessly easy and tempting beyond, to just dissolve into him again. Forget breakfast, and pancakes, and the unspoken promise of coffee, and anything that requires words, and breathing, anything more than the next kiss, next laugh, next sound of his voice rumbling right into and through her own skin, away from him. "Why did we wait so long?"

[dont_feel_it]

It's asked lightly, nearly pressed into a kiss, and it could be a light answer back, he knows. Could be teasing and Audrey laughing.

Except it couldn't. Not this. This has never been anything but serious to him.

Leaning back, but not letting her go. Letting her drape comfortable against his chest, while he pulls back to see her face. Study it. Weigh these words, the way he's so used to weighing every one he chooses. Hears himself pick: "Haven."

A simple word. A complicated answer.

Gaze slipping down, and back up again to her face. "It's not an easy place."

But this is. Easy. Audrey in his arms. As comfortable as if they've known each other for months. Years. A lifetime.

He doesn't know why that's a strange thought to have, either. But it doesn't matter. They're here now.

[27yrsandwelldoitallagain]

The question is light, and when he pulls back for more than just to look at her and kiss her again, leaning back and pulling her into him, as he stares down at her, as though there's a long tunnel and not only those few inches between them, she already knows he's taken it too seriously.

She knows the serious answer. She wouldn't -- and they couldn't -- change anything that had happened, or how it had. The reasons. The singular word that falls quiet and solid as a stone from his tongue between them.

Haven.

Haven, and The Troubled.

Haven, that she always came to,
and was taken from.

Until now.

But, that wasn't the point of the question, and she's not about to let him stray that far away from her, not behind his eyes grown darker than they were only seconds ago. Not when he could be here, right here, with her. Only. She kept her tone light, her expression light, reminding, as she smiled. "Well, at least Haven has both of us again."

"And--" She added, with a slight bit more sweetened logic to the leading, in the direction of acknowledging but not falling into one of those pits, as she wove her arms back around his neck. "--if solving The Troubles is what I'm supposed to be doing karmically--" It's out before she can even hear it coming, her eyes only on him, and instead of light, it's a boulder smashing glass. The opposite of what she meant to reach for.

There's a flinch in the pause of that breath, making everything too still in her.
"That was a bit of Lexie word. Sorry, those creep in every once in a while."

Audrey looked down to a side, letting her hands unclasp and starting to pull away. From one wrong step to another, far worse one. Which just makes it even more clear. So is a lot of this. The way this easy mischevious, reckless, playfulness is so much more Lexie, than the calmer, quieter, sweet solemnity of Audrey.

The part of her that Nathan hates most.

[dont_feel_it]

She pauses, features so close he can see every flicker of doubt, the wish to back peddle, and he's shaking his head before she begins to turn away, apologizing for, what.

Nothing. He doesn't need it. It hadn't hit him.

Was he waiting for it to, in her hesitation? Had just pressed a smile. Like it was some joke between them. "It's okay."

Unwilling to let her go for whatever tiny transgression she thought happened. Arms shifting and tightening around her waist, until she stops trying to turn, looks back up at him. Hands back on his skin.

His smile a mix of amusement, reassurance. All aware. It's a tightrope to walk. But there's no tension anywhere in him when he's watching her, mouth curving. Tone dry, with just a faint edge of teasing. "I've grown more fond of her."

[27yrsandwelldoitallagain]

It's only just a little dubious, while, also, being almost a touch amused, even when she can't stop the edge of her mouth from tugging outward, when she asks, "Have you?"

Like what happened last night, and this morning, alone, could somehow have even begun to erase even the smallest edge of every bit of damage she tried to do, space she tried to create, with every word out of her mouth, every touch of her hand, as Lexie. Even as he's nodding, and humming a note of agreement, that is all familiarity, close and clear and still not looking away from her, and she doesn't want to resist it.

When she has to kiss him, and she doesn't know if she'll ever entirely find the words for why all of it matters.

That it does hurt. That he hates Lexie because of her, what she did calling it all Lexie, calling it anything to save him.

But that, also, Lexie never had this, too, when she was only herself. Never knew a person like Nathan. That one good, decent man. Who the way to her heart guy was. Or Haven. The Troubled. Never figured out who she was. What she was meant to do. Be. Because Lexie stopped existing, except in her head, her words, reflexes, more shield and mask of herself than herself, from the moment Audrey woke up on that hill.

It's a tangle of thoughts, lost in a litany of kisses, but all of it is one certainty, when she doesn't want it to stop, wants to believe maybe that all could be done. Done, and over, and gone, too. A door closed. (Forgiven?) It's another proof of how high the stakes, steep the costs, narrowly the almosts -- how hard Haven is, and how much harder they should hold onto this now that they had it, this beautiful, hard-won, almost-lost-last-night-even, impossibility finally happening.

[dont_feel_it]

He hums some assent, but it doesn't matter. None of it. Nothing except his hands catching her face, and the kisses he can place against her mouth, again, and again. And again.

Pushing forward while her palms slide down skin, dragging fire that snuffs out instantly, only to reappear on the next square inches she touches. Her breath coming fast against his lips. The heart he can't feel racing somewhere deep inside, trying fruitlessly to get to her, and those pancakes are going to have to wai ––

A sharp rap on the door startles him awake. Pushed up in a second, confused in a muddle of sheets, looking distracted from the door, where no sound comes, and then for Audrey --


Falling back with a huff of breath, because she isn't here. Of course she isn't here. She's isn't. They aren't.

The initial surprise of waking ebbing away, and it floods back, so real he thinks he can almost feel it. If he could feel anything.

Close his eyes, and see her again, turning towards him with sleep in her eyes and hair wild.

Pancakes.

Her hands on his skin.

How much. How much.

How he loves her.




A memory of loving her so strong he doesn't know where the memory starts and this feeling begins. Swamping him. Clarifying every unfeeling cell in his body. He loves her. He remembers loving her.

He remembers her loving him back.



He can't stay, has to move, starts to aim for the side of the bed, when he glances down. Double takes. Looks guiltily at the door he knows no one is behind, and carefully drags a pillow from the top of the bed to cover his lap.

He'll get up. Find her. Tell her.


...In a minute.